There seems to be a wave of extremely heated discussion over the upcoming, much advertised, film ’50 Shades of Grey.’
Yes, it’s just a book. Yes, it’s just a film. Yes, there are many other pseudo-erotic/BDSM books out there; maybe some of those also portray domestic abuse wrapped up as ‘erotic romance’ as this one does.
But the difference is; This is the one in the public eye at the moment. This is the one that has been made into a film bringing in the mega-bucks for Hollywood. A film that many many young people, both men and women, will see, either on Valentine’s Day, or half-giggling, half-horrified, with their friends. And it sickens me.
Why?? Because I lived for five years inside the script of 50 Shades. My Mr Grey nearly killed me. He trapped me, isolated me, and finally, he stabbed me three times. It wasn’t romance, or love. It was about control, and his fear of being abandoned.
No one is telling anyone not to read it, or to hate it. That’s because we have freedom of choice, supposedly. I also have the freedom of choice to tell the world why I hate it, and I will exercise that right, until men STOP trying to control and subjugate women. This also applies to women that abuse their partners. ALL domestic violence is wrong.
Coming from a person who has been abused by a partner, and recognises all the hallmarks of an abuser in this book, I am angry about the way it is being marketed as ‘Romance, Hot, A Love Story, Erotica‘ etc. THAT is my problem with this book. NOT the sex, NOT the horrible clichés, NOT the quality of the writing – however poor that may be! And it is. Very.
I am angry because I have two teenage daughters, and I want them to know the difference between a healthy, and a dangerously non-healthy relationship. For an inexperienced young person, these signs can be so hard to spot, and I fear for them when stories like these, (which I cannot, and will not ban them from reading) totally cloud the view of what is and isn’t abuse.
This isn’t just about BDSM for consenting adults. Or just kinky sex. It’s not really about the sex.
This insidious, creeping, system of control over Ana takes place throughout the whole spectrum of the story in this book. It restricts and second guesses her everyday thoughts and actions. And that, my friends is ABUSE.
.
Believe me. I have lived it, and survived.
And that makes me very happy!
.
#STOPRomanticisingAbuse
The Hedgeblog 
So happy you survived and are safe! Brave of you to share your thoughts and experience.
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Thanks Suzanne. ❤
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My 18 yr old and her friends were planning to see the movie.. my friends were too! When the time came, I just couldn’t do it.. and neither could she.. we both felt uncomfortable with what we considered physical abuse.
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It’s a very personal choice. My teen daughter went to see it. I didn’t stop her, but made sure she read my blog post first, so she could see my point of view. A badly written plot, and a very damaging message for today’s youngsters!
Just Euwww! 😦
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I’m sorry you had to live through that experience and I’m glad you were able to remove yourself from such a dangerous situation. My take on the movie is that it’s good because it opens up the conversation about issues that we might not think about in our daily lives. It can serve as a cautionary tale. I have spoken to my own children about it and I might never have thought to talk with them about these things before the controversy that was created by the movie. Both of my children are somewhat aware of it now and we have discussed it a bit. I absolutely respect your right to object to the movie and the book, based on your own experience.
I’m not sure how closely the entire movie plot matched the book’s plot, but in the end she hasn’t signed his contract and she has managed to get him to confront his past–an exercise which he was quite opposed to doing. In the end, she rejected him once he revealed the true depth of his darkness to her. I don’t know the psychology behind that type of relationship, but he is clearly a disturbed individual. He did stalk her and he did seemingly force or manipulate her into things, all of which should definitely be discussed.
I’m glad I saw the movie so I could find out what it was about and discuss it with others. The movie left me wondering if she was really “submissive” throughout, when she played the psychological aggressor in certain ways and was able to get him to do something he wasn’t apt to do (confront his childhood), plus most of what happened between them seemed to be consensual. I know the story goes on for two more books and I think there will be at least one more movie, though I don’t know if I’ll be able to follow along with it past this first movie.
I hope my comments don’t offend in any way. I am also speaking about this as someone who has never had this type of experience–viewing it from an outside perspective.
Peace and Hugs!
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No offence taken at all! Don’t object to the film being made per se, but the fact that it is marketed as a ‘romance’ & was released on Valentines Day. If it was correctly produced as a story of abuse, it would serve as a cautionary piece of fiction, as you say. Raising awareness is always good. Peace out x
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True. To me, calling it a romance and releasing it on Valentine’s Day was humorous, because it was so ridiculously funny–in the black humor sense. This is what has become of our society, apparently.
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It is abuse. Why don’t people in abusive relationships know they are abused and see it? For the same reason people are gravitating to these stupid books and do not see the abuse. Good for you for speaking your mind, it is abuse, don’t believe it, live it for yourself, I don’t recommend it but abuse starts with illusion and this is a global illusion.
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Thank you so much. I hate airing my past fir all to see, but it was time. Sick of being told “It’s just a book”. So are certain religious works – & look at the state we are in because of the ‘just words’ within. Peace x
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Peace to you, it is not just a book, look at all the Ana Grey’s on twitter, look at the sale of 50 shades merchandise, don’t insult our intelligence. May you continue to heal, when we share experiences we empower others, those willing to see and heal. Thank you.
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You are right, Angela, and I recant my glib response to the issue. It is absolutely something we should all talk about. There are many of us that have the comfort of responding to the situation from a less dangerous view point, having not been in abusive relationships. Keep talking. I will shut up and listen, with supreme respect.
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We are all entitled to our own views, & we can still like each other when we hold differing opinions. I’m just over here standing on my own little soapbox, and waving to you on yours! Peace out, sisters. 🙂
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A brave post, Angela and very well said. I must be one of the few who hasn’t read 50 Shades nor has the desire to; but it’s blatantly obvious that the media circus surrounding the film will only fuel curiosity from those who previously might have sat on the fence. Maybe it’s a negative-positive to bring this sadism into the light and to shine on such behaviour so brightly there will be no shadows left to hide in for perpetrators either now or in the future.
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Thank you Tracey! I don’t really like to talk about my past in public, but I’m sick of being told why I shouldn’t speak out against this book, & books like it. Because it’s just a book. Yeah – so was Mein Kampf, the Magna Carta, and the Bible. Yes, they are all JUST words, but the words have influence over us, nonetheless, for good and for bad. Peace! 🙂 xx
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