50 Shades of Copy and Paste

Aaaaaaaaargh!

The time hath come. I both knew, and feared that it would. Today, E.L. James released her new abomination ‘Grey’ to the world. She must be getting low on Prada and Louboutins.

This series of books must be the worst I have ever read. And yes, I have read them, so I think I am qualified to have an opinion. As a mere fledgling writer myself, I probably have a damn cheek criticising a best-selling, internationally acclaimed author. But I know total crap when I see it, and you don’t have to be a professional shit shoveller to recognize the smell of it! This new novel, supposedly from Christian’s POV, is basically a bad copy and paste job from books one and two. If this was my work, I would be embarrassed to put my name to it.

Don’t just listen to little ol’ me; the official reviews are in! A couple of book people have bravely volunteered to be our sacrificial lambs, and ‘Baaaa!’ do they have opinions!

Here are some of the best (or worst!) lines from the book so far:

“She disappears into the building, leaving in her wake a trace of regret, the memory of her beautiful blue eyes, and  the scene of an apple orchard in the fall.” Anastasia, pour Homme ou pour Femme.

“My hair is wet from my shower, but I don’t give a shit.”

“She’s too young. She’s too inexperienced, but, damn, I like the feel of her hand in mine.”

“‘This is my favourite tea,” she says, and I revise my mental note that it’s Twinings English Breakfast tea she likes.”

“I have never slept with a woman. I’ve f—– many, but to wake up beside an alluring young woman is a new and stimulating experience. My cock agrees.”

“For all her maladroitness, she has a beautiful neckline.”

“And there she is: disarming once more, surprising me at every turn. My cock concurs.”

“She has a fresh, wholesome fragrance that reminds me of my grandfather’s apple orchard.”

“‘I’ve got this,’ she says, disappointment ringing in her clipped tone.”

“She regards me dispassionately and regret flares in my gut.”

“’What would you like to send?’ ‘Bollinger La Grande Année Rosé, 1999 vintage.’ ‘Yes sir. Anything else?’ ‘What do you mean, anything else?’ ‘Flowers? Chocolates? A balloon?’ ‘Balloon?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘What sort of balloons?’ ‘Well…they have everything.’ ‘Okay. Good idea – see if you can get a helicopter balloon.’ ‘Yes, sir. And a message for the card?’ ‘Ladies, good luck in your new home. Christian Grey.’”

“She looks radiant. My cock agrees and stiffens in greeting.”

“In my closet I strip off all my clothes and from a drawer pull out my favourite jeans. My DJs. Dom jeans.”

Yet again – I am not demanding that anyone boycotts or avoids this book. (Yawn!) This is my opinion only; the opinion of a survivor of Domestic Abuse, who finds E.L. James ridiculous, emotionally unintelligent, and dangerously irresponsible. Oh – and it looks like she forgot to have her manuscript edited. Again!!!

Toying with the possibility of NOT reading ‘Grey’ and instead getting three hours of my life back! Using those three hours to scrub out my kitchen cupboards might be a better use of my time.

Thanks for listening!

The Hedgehog: *spikier than usual today* x