Since I left my insane, abusive ex, the expected PTSD has revealed a most unexpected side effect.
You may not have heard of this. In fact I have googled it so many times, that the mouse finds its own way to the page now.
And, guess what?? I found nothing! Nothing to reassure me that there are millions of others with this same strange disorder. Nothing to assure me that I am not alone. Nothing to comfort me that this will eventually fade away.
What exactly IS counting time?
…you may ask!
Well, it’s kind of hard to explain, I’m no psychologist. But for me, it’s a constant watching of the clock, counting and working out the hours until this or that event, and also a reluctance to use up time on anything that I see as ‘unnecessary fun’, or ‘frippery’.
It’s an icky, nervous feeling of wasting hours and minutes; that my time is precious, and that I am wasting it recklessly somehow. It’s not a very comfortable feeling.
I have seriously only met one other person who has anything like this. And they are probably as neurotic as me, so that’s comforting!
The only thing I have found that relates to this at all, was in the list for children with PTSD!
- New phobias and anxieties that seem unrelated to the trauma (such as a fear of monsters).
So, either I have the psychology of a child, (possible!) or I am a complete basket case (also possible!)
So, since I left the abusive situation 19 years ago, I’ve gone through many stages including fear, rage, sorrow, depression, alienation, illnesses, and even agoraphobia… and now I am just left with the occasional night terrors, and this weird time thing. Not a bad trade off for not being stabbed anymore!
At least I got my sense of humour back!
And it got darker 😉
Note to self: I really must go to a doctor about this some time!
Keep talking, survivors!
The Hedgehog x
P.S. I am here, if anyone wants to share ❤