The Bad Stuff

Counting Time

apples

Since I left my insane, abusive ex, the expected PTSD has revealed a most unexpected side effect.

Counting time.

You may not have heard of this. In fact I have googled it so many times, that the mouse finds its own way to the page now.

And, guess what?? I found nothing! Nothing to reassure me that there are millions of others with this same strange disorder. Nothing to assure me that I am not alone. Nothing to comfort me that this will eventually fade away.

What exactly IS counting time?

…you may ask!

Well, it’s kind of hard to explain, I’m no psychologist. But for me, it’s a constant watching of the clock, counting and working out the hours until this or that event, and also a reluctance to use up time on anything that I see as ‘unnecessary fun’, or ‘frippery’.

It’s an icky, nervous feeling of wasting hours and minutes; that my time is precious, and that I am wasting it recklessly somehow. It’s not a very comfortable feeling.

I have seriously only met one other person who has anything like this. And they are probably as neurotic as me, so that’s comforting!

The only thing I have found that relates to this at all, was in the list for children with PTSD!

Quote from:

Help guide.org

  • New phobias and anxieties that seem unrelated to the trauma (such as a fear of monsters).

So, either I have the psychology of a child, (possible!) or I am a complete basket case (also possible!)

So, since I left the abusive situation 19 years ago, I’ve gone through many stages including fear, rage, sorrow, depression, alienation, illnesses, and even agoraphobia…  and now I am just left with the occasional night terrors, and this weird time thing. Not a bad trade off for not being stabbed anymore!

At least I got my sense of humour back!

And it got darker 😉

Note to self: I really must go to a doctor about this some time!

 

Keep talking, survivors!

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The Hedgehog x

 

P.S. I am here, if anyone wants to share ❤

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17 thoughts on “Counting Time

  1. I knew you had an ‘ex’, Angela, and that the relationship hadn’t been at all good. But I had no idea that you had suffered so much because of it – during it or since. I know how you feel about counselling. I’d probably try to work things out for myself, too. I’m so sorry to hear you’re still suffering all these years later, but the ‘counting time thing’ is obviously trauma related, and I can only see a doctor as being the way forward. Perhaps the self-help route needs a helping hand.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t know too much but it seems you’ve been through a lot of crap in life. But I envy your strength in being able to stand with your head held high and to voice these words and accept the damage that the events caused to you…and also embrace the consequences. You are a lovely woman!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow Angela, this is some serious trauma related phobia. You MUST go to the doctor! I assume you’ve had loads of counselling. So glad you’re out of that situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No. In fact I went for one session, & couldn’t handle it. So I decided to self-therapize. You can see THAT went well! 😂 As I said, it was a while ago, & my sense of humour MAY have saved me!

      Thanks for commenting Suzanne, many don’t know what to say. xxx

      Like

  4. For many years, I was subjected to emotional and psychological, but not physical abuse. And because “he didn’t hit me” it was different, OK, or acceptable. We both learned how to be healthier, but the shadows will always be there. Thank you for helping make taking about it less stigmatized.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry to hear that. Mine started off as emotional and psychological, but as so often happens, it ends up physical. I was young, so I didn’t see it coming until it was too late.

      It’s amazing how many people have gone through this. When you start talking about it, you find that out.

      Thanks for reading and sharing your story. Maybe you will write about it some day.

      Hugs, xxx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading, Melomanebird! It was a long time ago, but it’s surprising how long the effects of trauma stay within us. Maybe we will always carry it with us, a little. Maybe that isn’t a terrible thing, because it makes us what we are now.

      Do you have a blog that I can read?

      Regards,

      Hedgey x

      Liked by 1 person

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